Keep Calm...Dammit!

It's been awhile since I've stepped on a scale. I'm pretty sure I've made it known that I don't like the scale and it doesn't tell an accurate story of what's going on with your body.

I normally just use my measurements and how my clothes are fitting as a guide and I adjust things from there. Well, today I stepped on the body mass calculator, in order to log all of my numbers for the official start of the Focus T25 challenge group that I am running with a friend, and the number wasn't pretty.

Now in the rational part of my brain, I know why there was such a jump in the number on the evil little piece of bathroom equipment, but the rational part of my brain was abruptly over thrown by the irrational part of my brain when I saw the number. I immediately began to freak out and wonder how this could be. I mean, yeah, I haven't followed a program for a while and yes, I've been a slacker with running...but I've been okay with my eating and I have been active. Where did I go so wrong? How could my clothes still fit well if there was such a jump?

Then I took my measurements and laughed at myself. They are all the same except for my thighs...they went up quite a bit and I always had a flat booty but that is no longer the case since I started running and squatting. THAT is my answer right there. I have built a lot of muscle in my lower body over the past few months. Now I know not all of it is muscle, the time of day as well as the month plays a role in a woman's weight and I know there is room for improvement with my diet, but once again, measurements told some key plot points to the story.

It's scary how quickly the rational part of my brain shut down and how upset I got over a number on a scale. I believe part of it has to do with how I refuse to go back to were I came from. It's actually a big fear of mine, so knowing I've been off my normal routine and not as good as I should be with nutrition, teamed up with a weight spike, freaked me the fuck out!

On the bright side, I feel a little clearer on my goals, know that my nutrition is key and I'm truly looking forward to getting to know those participating in the challenge and seeing what a full 60 days with this program can result in!

Have you ever experienced a moment like this? Where you know better but your emotions just take off and leave common sense behind?



 

{Wordless Wednesday} Memorial Day Weekend

Celebrating A Milestone

Yesterday was Fitness Friday and I reached a pretty big milestone! For the first time ever I hit double digits on a run/walk! The furthest I had ever walked prior, was 8 miles back in 2010. My furthest run was 7.5 back in early March.

I started out running yesterday and for some reason, I just kept going. Hitting that double digit has been something I've wanted to do for awhile now, but I never really went for it. I started to get tired and struggled for a little while around miles 4 & 5. That little voice of negativity in my head started to beat me up, but I pushed through and decided I was going for it. I shut that little voice up by deciding that my time didn't matter today, all that mattered was hitting my mileage of choice.

Once I made up my mind, the rest was pretty easy. I slowed down and walked when I needed to and picked up the pace and ran when I felt good. I have to get my legs used to carrying me for longer runs and they're not quite ready to do that yet. Until they are, there is nothing wrong with slowing down to a light jog or fast paced walk.

I know that with determination, time and practice, I will be able to run the full 10 miles. My goal is actually 13.1 with a respectable pace, but I have to remember that it takes time to build up to that. I have to remove the self imposed pressure that I place on myself to perform at great levels. I have to learn how to celebrate my milestones, instead of getting mad that I didn't reach them at a certain level, or by glancing over them to start working towards the next goal.

Over the past four years, I have skipped many celebrations and I regret that. I regret pushing myself towards the next goal instead of taking some time to reflect on where I came from and what I just achieved.

The beauty of this journey is that I am always learning...and as a result, I will continue to grow as a person.

Yesterday I put the Further in #FurtherFasterForever. Down the road I hope to add the Faster, but I have Forever to work at it and enjoy the celebrations as I go.

Stop It! I Beg You!

Lately, I have become increasingly agitated by "fitness inspiration" photos people have been Pinning, Instagramming and Facebooking. They usually feature a stick thin woman or a woman who clearly trains for competition, with a motivational quote. I love most of the quotes on them, however both of these image types are not realistic goals. These photos might be a dream of yours, but most times, they are not a reality and will only set you up to fail and feel miserable about your body, despite whatever progress you may make. (Trust me...I have gone through this.)

Unsure of what I'm referring to? Here are a few examples:

 

These ladies have amazing bodies, but it's not the norm.

Now, before you jump all over me and tell me that they are attainable with hard work, I am well aware of that. ANYTHING is possible, and I'm not knocking that. I'm simply speaking of the average overweight mom or woman who is obsessing over losing weight.

A typical woman works a desk job, has evening activities to attend with her children, a house to clean, laundry to do and is forced to grab fast food from time to time. That doesn't mean that there is no time to workout....you make the time for that....however, the type of strict diet and workout routine needed to achieve the super fit, sculpted bodies in some of these photos is very hard to follow.

Using photos like these as motivation also makes it hard to appreciate the progress that you do make during your weight loss, because you're always comparing yourself to something that isn't the norm.

Do you know how many times I have had people message me saying they don't understand why they are following a program and only losing a pound? They are genuinely upset by losing a pound when they should  be happy they are making progress, being active, eating healthier and not gaining. As a generation, it's all about instant gratification and this is not the place for it.

This leads me to another pet peeve of mine, which I have seen all over Facebook since the new year.  Obscene diets and "miracle" pills. I've said it a million times, so what's one more?

THEY DON'T WORK!

Just stop it! You didn't gain the weight over night, therefore you shouldn't expect to lose it overnight. There is no quick fix. There is no magic pill. Do you really think the super fit girl in the commercial simply popped a pill and woke up with those six pack abs and super perky ass? NO! She worked her ass off for it in the gym and ate super clean. If it was as simple as popping a pill, we wouldn't have an obesity problem in this country.

Please....just stop with the fad diets, popping pills that claim to block fat and help you get fit and lean without exercise. I beg you! They are unhealthy and if you do have any success, you will just end up gaining it all back, plus some when you stop following the diet or taking the pills, not to mention the damage you can be doing to your body by following these plans.

The road to getting healthy is not an easy one, but it can be a rewarding one. I've been at this for over three years and I've battled a lot of demons (thanks in part to photos like the ones above), but I've learned so much. How to eat healthy, that it's okay to have a cheat day, that my body is much stronger than my mind and when my mind shuts the fuck up...my body is capable of amazing things! The most important lesson is one I'm currently working on, and that's to love myself. I'm learning to accept the flaws of my body, because they add character.

Yes, I had a tummy tuck and some people might view that as shallow, and that's okay, because it doesn't matter what they think. It's what I needed to do in order to move on with my life and to finally say goodbye to the fat girl I spent so many years of my life being.

In closing, I ask you to simply to keep realistic goals when you start trying to lose weight. Take it slow, keep it real and know that's okay to be human and make mistakes. It takes time to break bad habits and form new, good ones. Most importantly, take the time to appreciate all of the things you achieve!

{Update} 9 Months Post-Op

It's hard to believe it's already been 9 months since my surgery....time really flies as you're trying to build up core strength again.

At today's post-op visit, the surgeon said every looks great. My scar is finally starting to fade (although it still turns an awful purple color when I workout really hard), and he said that feeling will continue to return around my belly button as time goes on and that I'll still see results until the 1 year mark.

Over the past few months, I have been very happy with my results from the procedure, however, the ends of my scar line have always bothered me. There is a slight puckering (mainly on the left side) that I am not thrilled with. The puckering is a result of where the drains were and are very common with tummy tucks. The surgeon said it is an easy fix, so I'll be having a revision done in the next few weeks.

I'm not nervous about this at all. The procedure will only take about 45 minutes and is done in the office, with a little bit of local anesthesia. I can drive myself to and from the appointment and only need to take it easy for about 24 hours after it's done. The other plus is that they use dissolvable stitches, so that'll mean the post-op visit will just be to check my healing.

I apologize for the lack of updates on my post-op journey. After the initial few weeks, it was life as usual and I honestly didn't think about it much. I definitely feel more comfortable in my own skin now. It's nice to be able to look into the mirror and see the results of all the hard work I've done over the past 3 years.

...Just Don't Stop

Over the past few weeks, I have told myself this many times while working on my running. You see, I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. When I set a goal, I get tunnel vision, and I can sometimes brutally push myself to that goal.

Now pushing in such a manner isn't always a bad thing. If I didn't push myself, I might still be overweight, out of shape and unhappy. If I didn't push myself, I wouldn't be sitting here sharing my story with you. (I know, that's a very sad thought, right? What would you all do without my blog?!)

However, sometimes I push so hard, I forget to celebrate the small victories. I forget to be proud of the strides I have made. I forget to enjoy the journey I have pushed myself to take.

I often have to internally yell at myself while I run. I have to remind myself that the fact I laced up my sneakers, put on my running clothes and headed out in the cold to get a run done is a big win, all by itself. I need to remind my inner bully that Rome wasn't built in a day and part of the learning process is going at a slower pace.

After over 3 years, I am still learning. I'm learning new aspects of fitness and nutrition. I'm learning just how strong I am and most importantly, I'm learning to have patience with myself.

The funny thing is, I tell people who come to me for guidance to be patient all the time. I tell them exactly what this graphic says " It doesn't matter how slow you go, as long as you don't stop." Maybe it's time for me to start listening to myself, cause you know what? I give some really good advice.

Nothing Is Impossible

I read this (on Pinterest of course) and fell in love with it right away. This is so me, especially the "Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare." part.

Remember that nothing is impossible. As a matter of fact, the word impossible couldn't be made without the word possible. You can achieve anything you set your mind to, you just have to want it badly enough.

Don't Give Up

Remember, that little voice inside your head begins to lie when you force yourself out of your comfort zone. You are capable of amazing things, you just have to keep pushing yourself.

Progress and Change

You have to change the way you think if you want to see results.

Stop telling yourself you can't run, do circuit training or even attempt yoga. You might not be able to run a 5k right away, complete the circuit or hold all of the yoga poses without toppling over, but with practice and persistence, you will begin making great strides in less time than you think.

Stop telling yourself that eating fast food is your only option or that it's cheaper to do so. With proper planning, eating healthy doesn't have to cost a fortune and it can be even easier! Your body will thank you for doing it, too!

It's up to you to change your mindset and believe that you can do these things. Once you do, anything is possible and change will be inevitable.

Lucky vs Strong

I consider myself healthy, not skinny, and the road to getting healthy definitely made me strong!

Speaking of strong, today starts Phase 2 of P90X for me. As I expected, I didn't see a change in my waist, hip or thigh measurements and I'm happy with where I'm at with those, so it didn't bother me. I did however see a half inch increase in both of my biceps, and I can see nice shoulder definition which really makes me happy!

Results take strength and determination, not luck. Put your mind to it and the results will come.

Exercise to be Fit NOT Skinny

This is the key to getting the results you really want and keeping them for the long haul.

Fitness Mindset

Three years ago, I had a similar conversation with myself, and I haven't looked back. Anyone can do what I have done. You just have to change the way you think!

Post-Op Update

It's been a little over 6 weeks since I had my surgery and I can't believe how well I am healing!

A few weeks ago I was depressed, swollen and second guessing my decision to have the tummy tuck and abdominal repair. Today? I am on cloud nine and loving my results!

I have almost no restrictions on activities now. The only thing I am not allowed to do are any abdominal workouts until I hit the 5 month mark. I am currently on week three of my routine, and I opted to do ChaLEAN Extreme's Push month, three times a week, to build up my arm strength again. I toyed with starting from month 1 of her program, but Push has always been my favorite so I figured why not?! I am definitely lifting lighter than I was pre-surgery, but I don't mind at all and I'm sure I will  be back where I was in no time. The only parts I've had to skip are the push-ups since I feel too much of a pull in my core, and some of the single leg squats for the same stability reasons.

The other great thing is I no longer have to wear the compression garment and I have had zero swelling in the past two weeks. This really surprised because I read a lot of blogs and boards about tummy tucks and everyone struggled with swelling and still felt like they needed their compression garment at this point. I am by no means complaining, and hopefully I didn't just jinx myself ...that would however be my luck.

Over the past two weeks I have been filled with a new found sense of joy when it comes to my body. I no longer second guess what I am going to wear. I don't stare at myself, nit picking the imperfections that only I would notice. It's a feeling that is so foreign to me but feels so wonderful and rewarding. I love seeing what I truly accomplished over the past 3 years with my body. I worked damn hard to achieve this and I am FINALLY getting to see the true results.

Today, I tried on a bikini and after the initial shock and awe of seeing my very pale stomach exposed, I loved my reflection. It felt amazing to stand there in a two piece bathing suit and not want to cry my eyes out. As a matter of fact, I felt so comfortable and happy, I took this photo to share with everyone here.

Please pardon the pastiness of my complexion. If it ever stops raining here, I may be able to lay out in my yard and get a slight tan.

So...there you have it. My post-op update, the first time I have ever shared a photo of myself, in a bathing suit, for all of the internet to see, and my new found confidence, all rolled up into one neat little blog post.

Another Year Down

I can't believe it's been 3 years since I made the decision to become healthy. There are days it seems like just yesterday that I started on the path to this lifestyle, and then there are days where I can't imagine living the way I did. The fast food runs, over sized portions and constant bonding with my couch. I cringe when I think about all of that, but without it, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Looking back, I've come a long way. I haven't eaten McDonald's in well over 2 years, my body craves exercise and healthy foods and then there's the 100+ pounds I've lost as a result of those things. Oh and let's not forget my recent surgery. THAT is something I never dreamed I would be doing when I started all of this. I am a completely different person than I was three years ago and I am so grateful for that. I know that I have added years to my life with the choices I have made. It's also nice to know that I no longer have to wish I can shop in certain stores and trying on new clothes is something I enjoy doing now.

One of the things I love the most about my journey, is knowing that I have inspired so many people along the way. I am one of those people who tend to be very hard on themselves. I don't easily give myself credit for what I accomplish, so when I receive e-mails, messages and comments from people whom I have inspired, it's very touching. It also in turn inspires me to keep going and to be the best ME I can possibly be.

If you asked me three years ago if I would ever be able to do the physical things I can now, I would have said you were crazy. I am forever amazed at what my body has been able to do, how strong it can be and how much I have grown mentally. There is nothing I can't do ...as long as I get out of my own way. Ha! The mental battle of this journey has been the most difficult but most amazing aspect. It's all about mind over matter, seeing is believing and having confidence in yourself.

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, comments on my posts and keeps me motivated!

Less Than One Week and Counting

Today was my pre-op appointment with the surgeon, which means my surgery is less than a week away....

YIKES!

My nerves have been on edge lately as the surgery date rapidly approaches. There is excitement to finally have my muscle issues corrected and to say farewell to the excess skin that taunts me as I get dressed daily. Then there is fear. Fear of going under the knife and everything that could go wrong. I think excitement is finally starting to win out over the fear, but that is something that can flip flop at any moment. I know...way to stay positive Nikki. Sigh.

At today's appointment, we went over everything regarding the surgery again. I got to slip into the oh so sexy, pink gown that I'm shown wearing, but this time I was also lucky enough to put on a pair of black, string, mesh-like underwear. Be jealous! ...and no...there is no photo of those horrific underwear, sorry. 

Once in my lovely new attire, I was asked to stand by a blue wall so the surgeon could take my "before" photos. I had to face him, then left, the angled, then right, then angled again. This is when I mentally died a little of embarrassment.

After photos were done I had some measurements taken for the support binder I will have to wear for 2 weeks post surgery and then I was able to ditch the pink gown, hop back into my clothing and move to the next room where my vitals were taken.

The next segment of my pre-op appointment took place in the conference room where we went over all the surgery again. I was given my surgery time, we went over all of the risks, do's and don'ts for both pre and post surgery and I was able to ask questions at this time. He also showed and explained the "pain pump" to me again. After reading things on-line, I'm very happy the surgeon I selected uses one of these and I think it's going to make life a lot easier that first week.

Once everything was gone over and I signed all of the consent forms, we made our way up front and I was given my prescription for post surgical pain medication, appointments for post-op care and I received my "Recovery Support Program" which is a box of vitamins that I started taking tonight. In the box are the following item:

Clinical Support: Morning Formula - I have to take 3 tablets daily with breakfast or lunch, from now through 2 weeks post surgery.

Clinical Support: Evening Formula - I have to take 3 tablets daily with dinner or at bedtime, from now through 2 weeks post surgery.

Bromelin with Quercetin - 2 capsules on an empty stomach before breakfast, lunch AND dinner, for 3 days prior to surgery and continue for 7 days post surgery.

Arnica Montana 30X HPUS - The evening of surgery and for 7-14 days after, 3 tablets, under the tongue on an empty stomach before breakfast, lunch AND dinner.

*I also need to take 500mg of Vitamin C twice a day as it helps to promote healing.

As I type this, I can feel all of the pills I just swallowed sitting in my chest. This is A LOT of pills to swallow daily and I must admit, I'm not looking forward to it...however, they are supposed to help me to recover faster sooooo......

After receiving my surgical handbook and goody bag of prescriptions, appointments, pills and antiseptic cleanser, I was off to talk with the surgical nurse. She went over when and how to use the antiseptic cleaner and what I can and cannot use when prepping myself the day of surgery. She went over all of the vitamins again and made sure I received my prescription for blood work.

From there, I went to the financial office, where I left a very large chunk of money and suddenly it hit me.....I'm actually going through with this!

We All Have Secrets

...and I'm about to share one of mine:

"I have loose skin around my abdomen."

There! I said it. (As embarrassing as it is to do so.)

Despite 2.5 rounds of P90X, 2 rounds of Insanity, ChaLean Extreme, running, other workouts and eating healthy, I am left with a reminder of what my body once was, in the form of sagging skin. I can't say that I am surprised by this at all. I neglected my body for years, packed on the pounds and I also gave birth to two beautiful children. I knew my body would never be "perfect" but I did have hopes that my skin would bounce back more than it did.

A year ago when I reached that 100lb+ weight-loss milestone, I began to research tummy tucks and started to really contemplate having one done. Of course the thought of going under the knife scares the shit out of me and I don't exactly have thousands of dollars sitting around collecting dust, so I tossed the thought into the "maybe someday" file in my brain. However, I knew if it was something I was ever going to do, I would have to prove to myself that this truly did become a lifestyle and that my old habits wouldn't creep back up on me.

As you have read here, over the past year I have had struggles with nutrition as well as my workouts, but thankfully never at the same time. Despite these struggles, I have never gained more than 8lbs and I have always dropped it as soon as I felt I gained it. (Yes, I can totally feel when my weight shifts now...it's weird, but I can call the number on the scale before I even step on it). My measurements have even stayed consistent over the past year which really made me happy and brought the thought of a tummy tuck back to the front of my mind again.

A few weeks ago I had a discussion with my husband about how upset this extra skin made me. How frustrating it was to look in the mirror and not be able to see past it despite all of the hard work I have done over these 3 years. I broke down into tears, which is something I hate to do, but this is something that I'm really embarrassed about. (You have no idea how hard it is to even type this blog right now). For the first time, he saw the pain I felt and we discussed going for consultations to see how much it would be to have the tummy tuck done and to find out if I was even a candidate for it.

Yesterday, I went for a consultation with a plastic surgeon who came highly recommended by the doctor I used to work for. I studied photos of his work and looked at patient reviews  on-line for the 2 weeks leading up to this appointment. The anxiety I had going into that office was unreal but I womaned-up, put on the pink paper gown they left for me and stood before the surgeon to have all of my imperfections examined. After the exam, we sat in a conference room and discussed the procedure in detail. He answered all of my questions, gave me all of the information I would need to make a decision and he then walked me down to the hall to another office where the financial portion of the consultation would be handled. I sat there nervously as I prepared myself for number anxiety. This portion of the consultation should really come with a shot of Patron or Jack Daniels...a person needs something to take the edge off when a tiny piece of paper with a large number is about to be presented to them. The woman entered the room with said piece of paper and there was an extra digit before the coma that I wasn't quite prepared for. At this point some smelling salts would have also been nice to revive me and bring me back to present time so I could have heard her going over "payment policies".  I managed to smile even though I was discouraged by the price and I left the office when she was done, with some information on financing in case I needed that as an option...uh yeah! Last time I checked the money tree in my backyard hadn't sprouted yet.

I called my husband after the appointment and almost immediately lost it. I felt all of my hope for ridding myself of the "old me" slipping away after seeing the price tag on the procedure and he quickly calmed me down. He talked me off the ledge and said all of the things I needed to hear. Another phone call to my mother and I was feeling better again. There were a few more wishy washy moments that evening but after the three of us sat down over dinner, went through all of my options and scenarios, it was decided that I earned this procedure.

Yes, you heard me correctly. I decided to go ahead with the tummy tuck and this morning, I called the office and made the appointment to say farewell to the last remaining reminder of the "old me". In three short weeks, it will be nothing more than a very painful incision on my abdomen....Dammit! I wasn't supposed to think about that now.

I know this is not going to be an easy road, but they say anything in life worth having, isn't easy. Heck, the past 3 years of my life weren't easy either, but with hard work and dedication, I proved that I wanted it bad enough to get it.

So there you have it...the big secret I've been hiding is out on the web for everyone to read...and I feel a slight sense of relief now that I've shared it.



Have you had a tummy tuck? If so, please share your recovery tips with me.

What I Wore {Shopping & A Wedding}

Yesterday I took a shopping trip up to Target. I've been there a few times over the past 2 weeks and I've found myself drawn to the spring dresses they have on the racks. While there, I grabbed the Jason Wu dress I have on in the photo below, along with a few other spring dresses, a shirt and a bathing suit (GASP!).

I've noticed that I am finally used to grabbing the proper size from the rack for myself. I used to always grab a larger size and I think that as I become more comfortable in my new skin, the reality of my actual size is setting in.

This is me in the fitting with the Jason Wu dress on. As cute as it was, it didn't fit right and this was the ONLY one left.

After my shopping trip at Target, I had a wedding to get ready for. I always hate getting for weddings, especially when I am unsure of the type of place it is. I knew it was a casual event but I never want to go somewhere and be overdressed or under dressed. I am a fan of blending in with the crowd since I don't handle attention well. After trying on multiple options, this is what I decided to go with:

Teal Dress: Old Navy (Last year), Zebra sweater: Charlotte Russe (Last Year), Shoes: Madden Girl

Close up of sweater and dress

Close-up of my shoes...which are heels...nothing crazy, but they are heels.
(I also love that the weather is warming up and my tattoo can see the light of day again.) 

I have to admit, I've had fun putting more effort into getting dressed. I've even had fun trying things on...including the bathing suit which was a pleasant surprise. Tapping into a new side of myself is proving to be enjoyable, and I look forward to making more strides in self acceptance.

Think Less & Live More

This is my new outlook on fitness.

I have been stuck in this awful rut of over thinking what I have and have not been doing. I've been dwelling on the negative instead of the positive, and that my friends is no bueno.

For so long I've been fixated on reaching my goals and doing what I had to do to reach them. Well, you know what? I reached them and I guess I hit that point of not really knowing what to do next.

I had nothing to focus on anymore and found myself wandering around, trying to find happiness in what was familiar but not really what I needed anymore. Now, don't me wrong. I'm not saying I don't need to work out daily, or that I wouldn't benefit from it. What I am saying, is that the need and want wasn't really there anymore. Part of me wanted to see if I could maintain the goals I achieved without the "beast mode" level of fitness I had become accustomed to....and you now what? I did...and it's a great feeling.

From here on out I want to take things day by day. I want to enjoy whats around me and just go with the flow of the mood I'm in. I don't want to plan every workout in advance. I want to just do what I feel like doing that day.

Some people may think that's crazy and to them I say, to each their own. I will have my guidelines for the 3 days a week I plan on working out and I will just pick from the workout DVD collections I have to fill the needs of that day. Some days it might be P90X or Insanity, others running or yoga.

At this point of my journey I believe my nutrition is the most important part, and it's the area I have gained the most progress in. To me, it was the hardest to get under control and while I will indulge in kettle chips, Five Guys and ice cream from time to time, I am no where near, nor could I ever return to the fast food fiend I once was.

So...from here on out, I vow to (over) think less & live more, because if I can't enjoy the goals I have obtained, what's the point?

I Deserve To Be Happy, Dammit!

I know my blog hasn't had a lot of content lately and I know that my tone hasn't been very positive, but I guess everyone goes through it at some point or another. Depression isn't fun, but it is a reality.

After falling off the wagon with the Shred about two weeks ago, and hitting a mental low this past week, I've decided that I have to get myself back on track with my workouts. I owe it to myself and I'm only cheating myself  by not doing it.

My daily workouts brought me happiness. I felt accomplished after doing them and feeling how strong I was. I mentally had a place to focus energy and they would bring a sense of calm to my day. They were a natural Xanax for me, I suppose.

I need this happiness in my life. I need a place to focus my energy and I need to feel calm.

The weight I have lost over the past few years is my greatest accomplishment, with the exception of the two beautiful children my husband and I brought into this world. What sets my weight loss apart is that I did it on my own. No one could make me work out and eat the proper foods. I had to make the choice to wake up everyday and do what I needed to do to become the healthy person my children deserve.

During the trying times in life, they help me focus and remain a calm, well balanced person.

I know it's not going to be easy to get back into a groove. I know I have a huge mental struggle ahead of me, but I was strong enough to do it once, so I'm sure I'm strong enough to do it again.

From this moment on, I'm dusting myself off (again) and getting myself back on track....because I deserve to be happy, dammit!

30 Days To The New "Old" Me

• I've been off the wagon for too long.
• I've complained about being off the wagon for too long.
• I've been sulking for too long.
• I've become weak and it's time to snap the fuck out of it.

Yesterday for my #JanPhotoChallenge, I posted this photo as my "something I wore" submission. The photo is of  the jeans I started this journey out in. They were a size 16 and I could barely button them. The jeans on top of them are what I am currently wearing as I type this blog and they are a size 4.

(Go ahead...pass the comment about how it looks like I've been spending a lot of time on my knees...everyone else did.)

The person who accomplished that goal was not weak. She was not a quitter. She didn't make excuses and did things that people told her she couldn't do.

I don't know how I began to doubt myself, how I became so negative or how I gave up on myself, but today that has to all change. I have to do this for myself and for my own sanity.

As of today, I am doing Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred again. There is no reason why I can't find 20 minutes a day to complete these workouts and get myself back into a groove.

So, here's to the next 30 days of my life, where I will pull my head out of my own ass and find the spark within myself to reach new heights.




*Thanks coach for pointing out my negativity to me during our brief conversation the other day. You made me take a deeper look and hopefully nudged me back into gear.*